KE SARA, SARA, what ever will be, will be …











A good read. But really dunno how practical this can be 🙂

This may make more sense to everybody…….
The woman in your life…very well expressed…

 

Tomorrow you may get a working woman, but you should marry with these facts as well.

Here is a girl, who is as much educated as you are; Who is earning almost as much as you do;

One, who has dreams and aspirations just as you have because she is as human as you are;

One, who has never entered the kitchen in her life just like you or your Sister haven’t, as she was busy in studies and competing in a system that gives no special concession to girls for their culinary achievements

One, who has lived and loved her parents & brothers & sisters, almost as much as you do for 20-25 years of her life;

One, who has bravely agreed to leave behind all that, her home, people who love her, to adopt your home, your family, your ways and even your family name

One, who is somehow expected to be a master-chef from day #1, while you sleep oblivious to her predicament in her new circumstances, environment and that kitchen

One, who is expected to make the tea, first thing in the morning and cook food at the end of the day, even if she is as tired as you are, maybe more, and yet never ever expected to complain; to be a servant, a cook, a mother, a wife, even if she doesn’t want to; and is learning just like you are as to what you want from her; and is clumsy and sloppy at times and knows that you won’t like it if she is too demanding, or if she earns faster than you;

One, who has her own set of friends, and that includes boys and even men at her workplace too, those, who she knows from school days and yet is willing to put all that on the back-burners to avoid your irrational jealousy, unnecessary competition and your inherent insecurities;

Yes, she can drink and dance just as well as you can, but won’t, simply because you won’t like it, even though you say otherwise One, who can be late from work once in a while when deadlines, just like yours, are to be met;

One, who is doing her level best and wants to make this most important relationship in her entire life a grand success, if you just help her some and trust her;

One, who just wants one thing from you, as you are the only one she knows in your entire house – your unstilted support, your sensitivities and most importantly – your understanding, or love, if you may call it.

But not many guys understand this…

 

One of the best told stories I read through mails, every word in this is felt and expressed directly from heart….

 

 



{October 10, 2007}   What is LOVE?

What Is Love?

by Gila Manolson

 

Many people believe love is a sensation that magically generates when Mr. or Ms. Right appears. No wonder so many people are single. An excerpt from “Head to Heart.”

 

A few days ago, I spoke to a group of high-schoolers about the Jewish idea of love.

“Someone define love,” I said.

No response.

“Doesn’t anyone want to try?” I asked.

Still no response.

“Tell you what: I’ll define it, and you raise your hands if you agree. Okay?”

Nods.

“Okay. Love is that feeling you get when you meet the right person.”

Every hand went up. And I thought, Oy.

This is how many people approach a relationship. Consciously or unconsciously, they elieve love is a sensation (based on physical and emotional attraction) that magically, spontaneously generates when Mr. or Ms. Right appears. And just as easily, it can spontaneously degenerate when the magic “just isn’t there” anymore. You fall in love, and you can fall out of it.

The key word is passivity. Erich Fromm, in his famous treatise “The Art of Loving,” noted the sad consequence of this misconception: “There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet, which fails so regularly, as love.” (That was back in 1956 — chances are he’d be even more pessimistic today.)

So what is love — real, lasting love?

Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another’s goodness.

Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another’s goodness.

The word “goodness” may surprise you. After all, most love stories don’t feature a couple enraptured with each other’s ethics. (“I’m captivated by your values!” he told her passionately. “And I’ve never met a man with such morals!” she cooed.) But in her study of real-life successful marriages (“The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts”), Judith Wallerstein reports that “the value these couples placed on the partner’s moral qualities was an unexpected finding.”

To the Jewish mind, it isn’t unexpected at all. What we value most in ourselves, we value most in others. God created us to see ourselves as good (hence our need to either rationalize or regret our wrongdoings). So, too, we seek goodness in others. Nice looks, an engaging personality, intelligence, and talent (all of which count for something) may attract you, but goodness is what moves you to love.

LOVE IS A CHOICE

If love comes from appreciating goodness, it needn’t just happen — you can make it happen. Love is active. You can create it. Just focus on the good in another person (and everyone has some). If you can do this easily, you’ll love easily.

I was once at an intimate concert in which the performer, a deeply spiritual person, gazed warmly at his audience and said, “I want you to know, I love you all.” I smiled tolerantly and thought, “Sure.” Looking back, though, I realize my cynicism was misplaced. This man naturally saw the good in others, and our being there said enough about us that he could love us. Judaism actually idealizes this universal, unconditional love.

Obviously, there’s a huge distance from here to the far more profound, personal love developed over the years, especially in marriage. But seeing goodness is the beginning.

Susan learned about this foundation of love after becoming engaged to David. When she called her parents to tell them the good news, they were elated. At the end of the conversation, her mother said, “Darling, I want you to know we love you, and we love David.”

Susan was a bit dubious. “Mom,” she said hesitantly, “I really appreciate your feelings, but, in all honesty, how can you say you love someone you’ve never met?”

By focusing on the good, you can love almost anyone

“We’re choosing to love him,” her mother explained, “because love is a choice.”

There’s no better wisdom Susan’s mother could have imparted to her before marriage. By focusing on the good, you can love almost anyone.

ACTIONS AFFECT FEELINGS

Now that you’re feeling so warmly toward the entire human race, how can you deepen your love for someone? The way God created us, actions affect our feelings most. For example, if you want to become more compassionate, thinking compassionate thoughts may be a start, but giving tzedaka (charity) will get you there. Likewise, the best way to feel loving is to be loving — and that means giving.

While most people believe love leads to giving, the truth (as Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler writes in his famous discourse on loving kindness) is exactly the opposite: Giving leads to love.

What is giving? When an enthusiastic handyman happily announces to his non- mechanically inclined wife, “Honey, wait till you see what I got you for your birthday — a triple-decker toolbox!” that’s not giving. Neither is a father’s forcing violin lessons on his son because he himself always dreamed of being a virtuoso.

True giving, as Erich Fromm points out, is other-oriented, and requires four elements. The first is care, demonstrating active concern for the recipient’s life and growth. The second is responsibility, responding to his or her expressed and unexpressed needs (particularly, in an adult relationship, emotional needs). The third is respect, “the ability to see a person as he [or she] is, to be aware of his [or her] unique individuality,” and, consequently, wanting that person to “grow and unfold as he [or she] is.” These three components all depend upon the fourth, knowledge. You can care for, respond to, and respect another only as deeply as you know him or her.

OPENING YOURSELF TO OTHERS

The effect of genuine, other-oriented giving is profound. It allows you into another person’s world and opens you up to perceiving his or her goodness. At the same time, it means investing part of yourself in the other, enabling you to love this person as you love yourself.

The more you give, the more you love.

Many years ago, I met a woman whom I found very unpleasant. So I decided to try out the “giving leads to love” theory. One day I invited her for dinner. A few days later I offered to help her with a personal problem. On another occasion I read something she’d written and offered feedback and praise. Today we have a warm relationship. The more you give, the more you love. This is why your parents (who’ve given you more than you’ll ever know) undoubtedly love you more than you love them, and you, in turn, will love your own children more than they’ll love you.

Because deep, intimate love emanates from knowledge and giving, it comes not overnight but over time — which nearly always means after marriage. The intensity many couples feel before marrying is usually great affection boosted by commonality, chemistry, and anticipation. These may be the seeds of love, but they have yet to sprout. On the wedding day, emotions run high, but true love should be at its lowest, because it will hopefully always be growing, as husband and wife give more and more to each other.

A woman I know once explained why she’s been happily married for 25 years. “A relationship has its ups and downs,” she told me. “The downs can be really low — and when you’re in one, you have three choices: Leave, stay in a loveless marriage, or choose to love your spouse.”

Dr. Jill Murray (author of “But I Love Him: Protecting Your Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships”) writes that if someone mistreats you while professing to love you, remember: “Love is a behavior.” A relationship thrives when partners are committed to behaving lovingly through continual, unconditional giving — not only saying, “I love you,” but showing it.

Extracts from “HEAD TO HEART” by Gila Manolson. Published by: Targum Press, Inc.



et cetera