KE SARA, SARA, what ever will be, will be …











{October 26, 2007}   BEST JOKE COMPETITION

BEST JOKE COMPETITION

 

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night

and

he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies,

he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

 

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says,

“You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here.”

 

The astonished Chinese man replied,

“It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour,

it was the Japanese”.

 

“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.

 

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says,

“You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”

Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”

 

The Chinese replies,

“Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same.”

 

This particular joke won an award for the best joke

in a competition organized in Britain

and

this joke was sent by an INDIAN … !!!



1.”We will do it” means “You will do it”

2.”You have done a great job” means “More work to be given to you”

3.”We are working on it” means “We have not yet started working on the same”

4.”Tomorrow first thing in the morning” means “Its not getting done “At least not tomorrow!”

5.”After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views” means “I have already decided, I will tell you what to do”

6.”There was a slight miscommunication” means “We had actually lied”

7.”Lets call a meeting and discuss” means “I have no time now, will talk later”

8.”We can always do it” means “We actually cannot do the same on time”

9.”We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline” means “The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.”

10.”We had slight differences of opinion “means “We had actually fought”

11.”Make a list of the work that you do and let’s see how I can help you” means “Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me”

12.”You should have told me earlier” means “Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!”

13.”We need to find out the real reason” means “Well I will tell you where your fault is”

14.”Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected,” means, “Well you know…”

15.”We are a team,” means, “I am not the only one to be blamed”

16.”That’s actually a good question” means “I do not know anything about it”

17.”All the Best” means “You are in trouble”



{October 25, 2007}   Employee Rules and Regulations

Employee Rules and Regulations

*Dress Code*

 

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

 

************

 

*Sick Days*

 

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 

************

 

*Personal Days*

 

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

 

************

 

*Toilet Use*

 

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders category”.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy!

You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also.

 

************

 

*Lunch Break*

 

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a slim fast.

 

************

 

*Mails*

 

Don’t read junk and forwarded mails.

 

************

 

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,

All questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

 

The Management.

 

************



How To Answer The Usual Questions Asked Of Indians

 

To help the new wave of incoming students from India, here are the proper answers to awkward questions asked everyday: 

 

  • Q. What does that red dot on women’s forehead mean? 
    • A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife’s red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target…. 

 

  • Q. You’re from India? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation? 
    • A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an “emissions” problem….. 

 

  • Q. Does India have cars? 
    • A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.

 

  • Q. Does India have TV? 
    • A. No. We only have cable. 

 

  • Q. Are all Indians vegetarian? 
    • A. Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India. 

 

  • Q. How come you speak English so well? 
    • A. You see when the British were ruling India, they employed Indians as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the British isolated an “English-language” gene and infused their servants’ babies with it and since then all babies born are born speaking English. 

 

  • Q. Are you a Hindi? 
    • A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India. 

 

  • Q. Do you speak Hindu? 
    • A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity. 

 

  • Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt? 
    • A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school. 

 

  • Q. India is very hot, isn’t it? 
    • A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is why tea is such a popular drink in India. 

 

  • Q. Are there any business companies in India? 
    • A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian principles of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians — it is is a lot of hard work. 

 

  • Q. Indians cannot beef, huh? 
    • A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat. 

 

  • Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly? 
    • A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things are so inefficient there. 

 

  • Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that? 
    • A. We don’t have shoes. So we burn the bottom of our feet to make it hard so that we can walk. 

 

  • Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work? 
    • A. I prefer it to coming ….


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